As I briefly go over these stages, you may notice how
different stages of grief cause some of the various toxic symptoms that were
mentioned earlier. Keep in mind these stages of grief do not necessarily happen
in order and that a person will often jump back and forth though the stages. It
is not an orderly progression.
The first stage is shock or denial. You just can’t believe
it - She is gone! She just has to change her mind. You may not even acknowledge
the loss yet. There is no crying for either a man or a woman in this stage.
The good part of denial and shock is that they temporarily
protect you from the pain. This does not have to be the first stage however.
You may have already tried bargaining with her, in an attempt to save the
relationship before it ended.
The pain stage is not included in the classic 5 stages of
grief cycle but it is included in the classic 7 stages. You may want to look
these up on the internet for a quick and more in depth study. I have listed
them in the appendix of this book as well.
I bring up pain as stage because without pain, there is no
real grief in a breakup, and you will not advance to the next stages. Pain is
also important to mention because it is still in the back ground for most of
the process. You also revisit it on several occasions and still feel it during
most of the other stages.
The pain can sometimes become almost unbearable. Some may
turn to alcohol, drugs, or overeating. Some may lose their appetite completely.
You may be frightened. You may be feeling much remorse. In some cases
professional help is needed. Having suicidal thoughts is just one example.
Anger is generally the next stage listed in the textbooks.
It is not necessarily the second or third stage. During the anger stage you may
have feelings of wanting to get even or blaming your ex for leaving. You blame
her for not trying longer. You may lash out at your ex, others, or even lash
out at God. You need to find a proper way to vent or get this out. Try talking
to a friend or writing a letter to her that you DO NOT SEND. Never talk, text,
or write to your ex when you are angry.
Bargaining could enter at several places during the process.
You may have been bargaining before the breakup or before any anger set in.
This is when you try to make some sort of “deal” or a promise to change.
You may even beg your ex to not leave or come back. You may
even pray for her to come back. The praying part is okay. People often bargain
with the powers that be for a way to have their loved one back or for the end
of the painful feelings. The begging however is certainly not to your
advantage.
Depression is the most well-known stage. You already know
that feeling. It can be hopelessness, self-pity, feeling numb, doing
self-destructive things even suicidal things. You may also experience feelings
of emptiness, loneliness, or despair. You may even choose to isolate yourself
from others.
Acceptance
The last stage is acceptance. In the case of a breakup you
have begun to realize that it takes two to mess things up, and that it takes
two to cause things to end. Ideally you should no longer blame yourself or her.
You accept your responsibility for your failures and see her failures as well.
You are much more objective.
Although it does not mean instant happiness, the pain and
depression have greatly lifted. You are calmer, more organized, and realistic
about things. If you are smart you use it as a learning opportunity. That fact
that you are now reading this book shows that you are already trying to learn.
Acceptance is your best friend. Acceptance will help prevent
or diminish the roller coaster ride of emotional swings associated with the
five stages of grief that will be toxic to both you and any possible future for
the relationship.
* Taken from -"The Plan:How to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back, How to Get Your Wife Back"
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