How the Stages of Grief Can Work Against You

Another one of your biggest enemies is your built in wiring. Face it. You are human. We humans have natural tendencies and grieving is one of them. In the case of a breakup the stages of grief kick in and seem to work against you.

As I briefly go over these stages, you may notice how different stages of grief cause some of the various toxic symptoms that were mentioned earlier. Keep in mind these stages of grief do not necessarily happen in order and that a person will often jump back and forth though the stages. It is not an orderly progression.

The first stage is shock or denial. You just can’t believe it - She is gone! She just has to change her mind. You may not even acknowledge the loss yet. There is no crying for either a man or a woman in this stage. 

The good part of denial and shock is that they temporarily protect you from the pain. This does not have to be the first stage however. You may have already tried bargaining with her, in an attempt to save the relationship before it ended. 

The pain stage is not included in the classic 5 stages of grief cycle but it is included in the classic 7 stages. You may want to look these up on the internet for a quick and more in depth study. I have listed them in the appendix of this book as well.

I bring up pain as stage because without pain, there is no real grief in a breakup, and you will not advance to the next stages. Pain is also important to mention because it is still in the back ground for most of the process. You also revisit it on several occasions and still feel it during most of the other stages. 

The pain can sometimes become almost unbearable. Some may turn to alcohol, drugs, or overeating. Some may lose their appetite completely. You may be frightened. You may be feeling much remorse. In some cases professional help is needed. Having suicidal thoughts is just one example.

Anger is generally the next stage listed in the textbooks. It is not necessarily the second or third stage. During the anger stage you may have feelings of wanting to get even or blaming your ex for leaving. You blame her for not trying longer. You may lash out at your ex, others, or even lash out at God. You need to find a proper way to vent or get this out. Try talking to a friend or writing a letter to her that you DO NOT SEND. Never talk, text, or write to your ex when you are angry.

Bargaining could enter at several places during the process. You may have been bargaining before the breakup or before any anger set in. This is when you try to make some sort of “deal” or a promise to change. 

You may even beg your ex to not leave or come back. You may even pray for her to come back. The praying part is okay. People often bargain with the powers that be for a way to have their loved one back or for the end of the painful feelings. The begging however is certainly not to your advantage.

Depression is the most well-known stage. You already know that feeling. It can be hopelessness, self-pity, feeling numb, doing self-destructive things even suicidal things. You may also experience feelings of emptiness, loneliness, or despair. You may even choose to isolate yourself from others.

Acceptance

The last stage is acceptance. In the case of a breakup you have begun to realize that it takes two to mess things up, and that it takes two to cause things to end. Ideally you should no longer blame yourself or her. You accept your responsibility for your failures and see her failures as well. You are much more objective. 

Although it does not mean instant happiness, the pain and depression have greatly lifted. You are calmer, more organized, and realistic about things. If you are smart you use it as a learning opportunity. That fact that you are now reading this book shows that you are already trying to learn.

Acceptance is your best friend. Acceptance will help prevent or diminish the roller coaster ride of emotional swings associated with the five stages of grief that will be toxic to both you and any possible future for the relationship. 

By now you should see how everything written in this book so far converges into powerful mood swings.

* Taken from -"The Plan:How to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back, How to Get Your Wife Back"
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How the Stages of Grief Can Work Against You

Another one of your biggest enemies is your built in wiring. Face it. You are human. We humans have natural tendencies and grieving is one of them. In the case of a breakup the stages of grief kick in and seem to work against you.

As I briefly go over these stages, you may notice how different stages of grief cause some of the various toxic symptoms that were mentioned earlier. Keep in mind these stages of grief do not necessarily happen in order and that a person will often jump back and forth though the stages. It is not an orderly progression.

The first stage is shock or denial. You just can’t believe it - She is gone! She just has to change her mind. You may not even acknowledge the loss yet. There is no crying for either a man or a woman in this stage. 

The good part of denial and shock is that they temporarily protect you from the pain. This does not have to be the first stage however. You may have already tried bargaining with her, in an attempt to save the relationship before it ended. 

The pain stage is not included in the classic 5 stages of grief cycle but it is included in the classic 7 stages. You may want to look these up on the internet for a quick and more in depth study. I have listed them in the appendix of this book as well.

I bring up pain as stage because without pain, there is no real grief in a breakup, and you will not advance to the next stages. Pain is also important to mention because it is still in the back ground for most of the process. You also revisit it on several occasions and still feel it during most of the other stages. 

The pain can sometimes become almost unbearable. Some may turn to alcohol, drugs, or overeating. Some may lose their appetite completely. You may be frightened. You may be feeling much remorse. In some cases professional help is needed. Having suicidal thoughts is just one example.

Anger is generally the next stage listed in the textbooks. It is not necessarily the second or third stage. During the anger stage you may have feelings of wanting to get even or blaming your ex for leaving. You blame her for not trying longer. You may lash out at your ex, others, or even lash out at God. You need to find a proper way to vent or get this out. Try talking to a friend or writing a letter to her that you DO NOT SEND. Never talk, text, or write to your ex when you are angry.

Bargaining could enter at several places during the process. You may have been bargaining before the breakup or before any anger set in. This is when you try to make some sort of “deal” or a promise to change. 

You may even beg your ex to not leave or come back. You may even pray for her to come back. The praying part is okay. People often bargain with the powers that be for a way to have their loved one back or for the end of the painful feelings. The begging however is certainly not to your advantage.

Depression is the most well-known stage. You already know that feeling. It can be hopelessness, self-pity, feeling numb, doing self-destructive things even suicidal things. You may also experience feelings of emptiness, loneliness, or despair. You may even choose to isolate yourself from others.

Acceptance

The last stage is acceptance. In the case of a breakup you have begun to realize that it takes two to mess things up, and that it takes two to cause things to end. Ideally you should no longer blame yourself or her. You accept your responsibility for your failures and see her failures as well. You are much more objective. 

Although it does not mean instant happiness, the pain and depression have greatly lifted. You are calmer, more organized, and realistic about things. If you are smart you use it as a learning opportunity. That fact that you are now reading this book shows that you are already trying to learn.

Acceptance is your best friend. Acceptance will help prevent or diminish the roller coaster ride of emotional swings associated with the five stages of grief that will be toxic to both you and any possible future for the relationship. 

By now you should see how everything written in this book so far converges into powerful mood swings.

* Taken from -"The Plan:How to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back, How to Get Your Wife Back"

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Body Language - Interest vs. Bordom

Here are some common body language signals you need to watch out for:

Signals of Interest

 Both hips turned towards you – When someone is fully engaged in an interesting conversation, they face their whole body towards you or at least try to anyway.

 Eyebrows moving upwards in surprise – Eyebrows raised upwards and arched, with wide eyes show intrigue and surprise.

  Eyes scanning the face – Are her eyes actively scanning your face? Does she look at both eyes, your lips, chin etc?

 Hair stroking – Self grooming excessively is a sure sign of attraction and the most common one in the body language signals.

 Pupils dilated – An uncontrollable arousal gauge and something that lets you know she’s thinking sexually about you.

 Over exaggerated movements/expressions – Is she constantly touching you, close in proximity and making big gestures when talking? Then she’s telegraphing her interest for you.

Signals of Discomfort, Boredom, & No Interest

 Eyes wondering – Take notice of where she’s looking, if she can’t hold eye contact for more than a couple of seconds, then she’s not into you.

 Hand in pockets – An obvious sign of discomfort that requires you to build more trust and an enjoyable atmosphere.

 Crouched “inward” – Sitting down, does she have her legs/arms folded, shoulders pointing down and almost as though she’s trying to curl up into a ball? Yep, she’s not interested.

 Forced smile – The eyes smile with the mouth when someone is genuinely smiling. No eye action, just means it’s forced.

 Involutionary scratching – Don’t confuse this with self-grooming. An itch on the chin, arm, neck etc. is often a sign that she’s bored.

Is She Bored, Disinterested or Turned Off?

This video covers a lot of good material

Value in the Relationship

In order for a relationship to survive and be healthy there must be some value for both parties. Any other dogma that refutes this is rubbish. Love has an element of selfishness to it. You have to get something out of being with the other person. Otherwise you would never have fallen in love with them in the beginning. You cannot fall in love with a person unless they have some value to you. The same is true for the women.

Any number of things or combinations of those things could be where the value is found. Some of those things include companionship, acceptance, beauty, security, emotional support, nourishment, nurture, laughter, financial help, fulfillment of a codependent need, satisfaction of a hormonal drive, popularity, attention, social status, the need to procreate, the need to be loved, intellectual stimulation, common interests, business interests, excitement, sex, good sex, etc. This is by no means a complete list, but by now I'm sure you have the general idea.

Each individual has his or her own set of values for being in a relationship. Once the value is no longer there, taken for granted, out grown, or is over ridden by some more powerful negative, the relationship changes. This can result in apathy, annoyance, or disrespect for the person that was once valued. At this point, problems or withdraw, are just around the corner and a breakup becomes a real possibility.

So what is the value that she brings to you? Have you ever thought of it? This is an important question. The other equally important question comes next. What value did you bring to her? Think on both of these one hard.

Some men freeze here and say, “well I was nice to her and good to her and I treated her well.” The problem with this is that it is not really something of extremely high value. Does that surprise you a bit? Think about it. An attractive woman can find scores of men to be nice to her and treat her well just to be her life, or even go on a single date with her.

“Well I pay for everything too” is the next knee jerk response. Once again an attractive woman can find scores of men to do that as well. That is not a powerful value for a man to give. Although it may be a requirement, it can be easily found from many sources. This by the way is in no way selfish on her part.

Take this example. If you as a man say you value companionship, care, laughter, love, sex, respect, and being treated well, that sounds good doesn’t it? If I bring you a fat woman you may suddenly object. But she can give you all those things. Right? So you inform me you want a pretty woman too. So I bring you a woman that has all those traits and is pretty, but she is basically stupid and you cant have an intelligent conversation with her. A week later you look for me to raise your objection. You see, even those things we have just covered are values they are still more like requirements that can be found in many places. The same is true for you treating her nice. It just does not stand will on its own.

To get value, you must give value. People, who only take, take and take, eventually crash and burn. Most people who expect something for nothing; or are too lazy or selfish to make any effort get nothing. They become either users or losers.

The point is this. She found some value in you early on in the relationship or it would not have progressed so far. You stopped giving that value, she out grew it, or you overrode it with a bigger negative. You need to learn your strengths weaknesses during this period of your life. Now is the time to do it. You need to become aware of your value (pluses) and your negatives.

To determine what value you can bring to a relationship a simple list method in your journal or in a computer file will do the job. Make two Columns. On the left hand side put your strengths and all the good things you bring to the table. Now the right hand side put your negative attributes and quirks. Keep this and add to it over time as you think of and discover more. Over the nest week you will have a clearer idea.

This is not a question of how many more good than bad you have. It is a question of knowing and accepting your strengths, value, and weaknesses. This will also serve to make you more secure in who you are, both good and bad.

If someone should call you on one of your negatives you will have already have dealt with it. You wont be rattled or angry because you have faced it and accepted it. Learn to accept your self, love yourself, and respect yourself no matter what your lists may be.

This is important. You must first be okay with yourself, otherwise, she cannot be. Don’t slack on this one. Start the lists now. Work on them for about a week and then put them somewhere safe.

* Taken from -"The Plan:How to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back, How to Get Your Wife Back"

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This guy will help you immensely with women in general. He has a lot of videos you can check out.

   

This video however is not intended as a way to approach an ex who has recently broken off with you. It is more suited for meeting other women in the mean time, or a meeting after you have not seen each other for a long time - provided you have not been groveling or begging to see her, talk to her, or anything else.