Any number of things or combinations of those things could
be where the value is found. Some of those things include companionship,
acceptance, beauty, security, emotional support, nourishment, nurture,
laughter, financial help, fulfillment of a codependent need, satisfaction of a
hormonal drive, popularity, attention, social status, the need to procreate,
the need to be loved, intellectual stimulation, common interests, business
interests, excitement, sex, good sex, etc. This is by no means a complete list,
but by now I'm sure you have the general idea.
Each individual has his or her own set of values for being
in a relationship. Once the value is no longer there, taken for granted, out
grown, or is over ridden by some more powerful negative, the relationship
changes. This can result in apathy, annoyance, or disrespect for the person
that was once valued. At this point, problems or withdraw, are just around the
corner and a breakup becomes a real possibility.
So what is the value that she brings to you? Have you ever
thought of it? This is an important question. The other equally important
question comes next. What value did you bring to her? Think on both of these
one hard.
Some men freeze here and say, “well I was nice to her and
good to her and I treated her well.” The problem with this is that it is not
really something of extremely high value. Does that surprise you a bit? Think
about it. An attractive woman can find scores of men to be nice to her and
treat her well just to be her life, or even go on a single date with her.
“Well I pay for everything too” is the next knee jerk
response. Once again an attractive woman can find scores of men to do that as
well. That is not a powerful value for a man to give. Although it may be a
requirement, it can be easily found from many sources. This by the way is in no
way selfish on her part.
Take this example. If you as a man say you value
companionship, care, laughter, love, sex, respect, and being treated well, that
sounds good doesn’t it? If I bring you a fat woman you may suddenly object. But
she can give you all those things. Right? So you inform me you want a pretty
woman too. So I bring you a woman that has all those traits and is pretty, but
she is basically stupid and you cant have an intelligent conversation with her.
A week later you look for me to raise your objection. You see, even those
things we have just covered are values they are still more like requirements
that can be found in many places. The same is true for you treating her nice.
It just does not stand will on its own.
To get value, you must give value. People, who only take,
take and take, eventually crash and burn. Most people who expect something for
nothing; or are too lazy or selfish to make any effort get nothing. They become
either users or losers.
The point is this. She found some value in you early on in the
relationship or it would not have progressed so far. You stopped giving that
value, she out grew it, or you overrode it with a bigger negative. You need to
learn your strengths weaknesses during this period of your life. Now is the
time to do it. You need to become aware of your value (pluses) and your
negatives.
To determine what value you can bring to a relationship a
simple list method in your journal or in a computer file will do the job. Make
two Columns. On the left hand side put your strengths and all the good things
you bring to the table. Now the right hand side put your negative attributes
and quirks. Keep this and add to it over time as you think of and discover
more. Over the nest week you will have a clearer idea.
This is not a question of how many more good than bad you
have. It is a question of knowing and accepting your strengths, value, and
weaknesses. This will also serve to make you more secure in who you are, both
good and bad.
If someone should call you on one of your negatives you will
have already have dealt with it. You wont be rattled or angry because you have
faced it and accepted it. Learn to accept your self, love yourself, and respect
yourself no matter what your lists may be.
This is important. You must first be okay with yourself,
otherwise, she cannot be. Don’t slack on this one. Start the lists now. Work on
them for about a week and then put them somewhere safe.
* Taken from -"The Plan:How to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back, How to Get Your Wife Back"
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