Value in the Relationship

In order for a relationship to survive and be healthy there must be some value for both parties. Any other dogma that refutes this is rubbish. Love has an element of selfishness to it. You have to get something out of being with the other person. Otherwise you would never have fallen in love with them in the beginning. You cannot fall in love with a person unless they have some value to you. The same is true for the women.

Any number of things or combinations of those things could be where the value is found. Some of those things include companionship, acceptance, beauty, security, emotional support, nourishment, nurture, laughter, financial help, fulfillment of a codependent need, satisfaction of a hormonal drive, popularity, attention, social status, the need to procreate, the need to be loved, intellectual stimulation, common interests, business interests, excitement, sex, good sex, etc. This is by no means a complete list, but by now I'm sure you have the general idea.

Each individual has his or her own set of values for being in a relationship. Once the value is no longer there, taken for granted, out grown, or is over ridden by some more powerful negative, the relationship changes. This can result in apathy, annoyance, or disrespect for the person that was once valued. At this point, problems or withdraw, are just around the corner and a breakup becomes a real possibility.

So what is the value that she brings to you? Have you ever thought of it? This is an important question. The other equally important question comes next. What value did you bring to her? Think on both of these one hard.

Some men freeze here and say, “well I was nice to her and good to her and I treated her well.” The problem with this is that it is not really something of extremely high value. Does that surprise you a bit? Think about it. An attractive woman can find scores of men to be nice to her and treat her well just to be her life, or even go on a single date with her.

“Well I pay for everything too” is the next knee jerk response. Once again an attractive woman can find scores of men to do that as well. That is not a powerful value for a man to give. Although it may be a requirement, it can be easily found from many sources. This by the way is in no way selfish on her part.

Take this example. If you as a man say you value companionship, care, laughter, love, sex, respect, and being treated well, that sounds good doesn’t it? If I bring you a fat woman you may suddenly object. But she can give you all those things. Right? So you inform me you want a pretty woman too. So I bring you a woman that has all those traits and is pretty, but she is basically stupid and you cant have an intelligent conversation with her. A week later you look for me to raise your objection. You see, even those things we have just covered are values they are still more like requirements that can be found in many places. The same is true for you treating her nice. It just does not stand will on its own.

To get value, you must give value. People, who only take, take and take, eventually crash and burn. Most people who expect something for nothing; or are too lazy or selfish to make any effort get nothing. They become either users or losers.

The point is this. She found some value in you early on in the relationship or it would not have progressed so far. You stopped giving that value, she out grew it, or you overrode it with a bigger negative. You need to learn your strengths weaknesses during this period of your life. Now is the time to do it. You need to become aware of your value (pluses) and your negatives.

To determine what value you can bring to a relationship a simple list method in your journal or in a computer file will do the job. Make two Columns. On the left hand side put your strengths and all the good things you bring to the table. Now the right hand side put your negative attributes and quirks. Keep this and add to it over time as you think of and discover more. Over the nest week you will have a clearer idea.

This is not a question of how many more good than bad you have. It is a question of knowing and accepting your strengths, value, and weaknesses. This will also serve to make you more secure in who you are, both good and bad.

If someone should call you on one of your negatives you will have already have dealt with it. You wont be rattled or angry because you have faced it and accepted it. Learn to accept your self, love yourself, and respect yourself no matter what your lists may be.

This is important. You must first be okay with yourself, otherwise, she cannot be. Don’t slack on this one. Start the lists now. Work on them for about a week and then put them somewhere safe.

* Taken from -"The Plan:How to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back, How to Get Your Wife Back"

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This guy will help you immensely with women in general. He has a lot of videos you can check out.

   

This video however is not intended as a way to approach an ex who has recently broken off with you. It is more suited for meeting other women in the mean time, or a meeting after you have not seen each other for a long time - provided you have not been groveling or begging to see her, talk to her, or anything else.

Taking Stock of the Landscape - Part 3 - Toxic Symptoms

Toxic Symptoms

Now that we have covered the more manageable symptoms, we a have a few toxic behaviors to nip in the bud quickly. The lesser ones make you feel worse and prolong your agony. The greater ones harm you and help to destroy the possibility of a future relationship.

I will start with the dangerous ones first. Are you are extremely depressed, abusing any type of substance, or having violent or suicidal thoughts? Are you physically sick from not eating enough? If so get help now. This is extremely serious. Not only are you in danger, but also you will never have her back till those things pass. Do not take this warning lightly. It is not BS. 

The following symptoms are not so dangerous but are still toxic. These symptoms intensify the cycles and mood swings. They either lead to actions that could kill any chance of you ever getting back together, or are actions that work against you. 

Have you done or are you doing any of the followings? Be honest. Do you check emails constantly hoping she has written? Have you sent her flowers since the break up? Have you bought her a somewhat expensive gift on a holiday or birthday since the breakup with little or no response? Do you hope every phone ring is your ex? 

Are you having deep and very wide emotional swings? Do you stare at her FB pictures and read everything she posts? Do you still follow her tweets on Twitter? Do you still have her picture out in plain view and find yourself staring at it? 

Do you have her on a pedestal and fear that it’s over forever and you may never be happy without her? And once again, do you imagine her having sex with other men? Do you imagine her enjoying it more than she did with you? If so this is your imagination working against you.

Has your boss talked to you about your job performance slipping? This is a big one. It is best to get help if the breakup is affecting your job.

The following symptoms are toxic because these symptoms usually backfire and help create the opposite of what you are intending. They usually serve to further push her away.

Do you grovel after her? Have you tried using guilt to get her to go out with you or answer your phone calls or texts? Have you tried using manipulation, tricks, or games? Have you begged or asked for one more chance? Have you tried to tell her that you changed or will change? 

Did you spill out all your guts telling her how much you love her and how much she means hoping she would change her mind like in a Hollywood movie? If so, you may have noticed that does not work in real life.

Have you tried using logic and reason? Did you try to make any bargains? 

Do you still try to call or text her often or almost every day? Do you send her texts that are not even answered at all? Are the ignored texts increasing in number and frequency?

Do you ever drive by her place or do anything that could be interpreted as stalking by an angry woman? Do you coincidentally or mysteriously sometimes show up at same places she does?

Do you send angry texts or leave angry voice messages? Do you send her cards? 

Do you pretend to be her friend when it only hurts you? If you are her friend, do you act like her waiter or butler, or spoil her with favors hoping she will see how wonderful you are and someday want you back?

What Are You Gaining From All This? 

These may be perfectly natural responses but you need to ask yourself - How have these things helped? I would guess probably not much or not at all, otherwise you would already be back together.

Next question - are doing any these things helping you feel better or giving you a greater peace of mind? No. They are probably making things worse and are making you a wreck. They may even be starting fights or arguments. Maybe she just isn’t responding. In all likelihood, if she is ignoring you, you are annoying her.

Now carefully consider this. How do you think doing these things make you look in her eyes?

Here is the answer. You will either be seen as weak, clingy, needy, a jerk, or unstable. All those things sabotage your chances of getting back with her. 

You may still be trying to be “friends” with your ex. The biggest problem with that ploy is that it often backfires. Those risks involved will be discussed in a later chapter.

Still another weak tactic is campaigning to get her back. If you have been spilling out your guts to her friends and family and asking all sorts of questions about her, this will not help either. 

Even if everyone agrees you belong together and want the two of you back, this is a very bad way to go. It can only make matters worse. Do not ask people to intercede by talking to her and do not keep tabs on her. She will find out if you keep tabs on her.

It Needs To Stop

By now you probably have probably noticed that all the above behaviors feed each other in a vicious downward spiral.

Here is an example. You text her and get no reply. You get more depressed. She has already done this so many times before that now it really hurts. Suddenly you are angry and send something a bit nasty or biting. 

Even if she does reply to that, she is less likely to want to respond next time you text. When she finally answers you have a brief chat. Your hopes skyrocket. 

Next the whole cycle starts over and she is ignoring you just like before. Some men (some women also) go into a frenzy of texts, emails, and phone calls for weeks, even months, hoping to get their lover back. 

All it really does is convince her that she did the right thing and it makes you more depressed.

The reason for this is that even if she was unsure at the beginning, she will use your current behavior as proof she was right. You need to understand that people like reassurance and confirmation. She has already made her decision. Now all she needs is to get some reassurance or confirmation so she can feel better about it. 

Your constant texting and calling shows her that you are weak, unstable, and clingy. Not only is that annoying her, but it may also be making her angry. Those negative feelings and anger give her confirmation. She may eventually start laughing at you to her friends. 

She may even show her friends the texts you are sending her. They will most likely shake their heads and agree. They will assure her that she did the right thing dumping you. This confirms her decision even more. She becomes even less responsive. You get more depressed. You eat less. You can’t sleep. Less sleep makes you feel even worse. You start to have trouble at work. You get scared and or depressed even more. 

You text again, but now she is even more distant. Maybe you slip and send her an angry text like “thanks for the answer” or "just forget it!” A day later you call or text her that you miss her. You apologize.

Maybe you try to ask her out to talk. Of course she is busy. She says no. Now you feel even worse. Get the picture? Your behavior is contradictory, unstable, and almost childlike.

If this is not you, that is very good for you. But if it is you, don’t feel bad. Don’t be hard on yourself if you have been displaying any of these symptoms. It was not your fault. Several things come into play here.

No one has ever taught us what to do and what not to do in such a situation. Schools and churches don’t teach it. Many books are wrong. Love songs and movies teach us all the wrong things to do. Stereotypes and myths make things even worse. 

Even your female friends might give you bad advice. They will tell you things like keep on trying, tell her how you feel, fight for her, or even send her flowers. 

They will often tell you things that a married woman wants, not what a dating woman wants. It may be what she thinks she wants, until she is in the same situation herself.

In fact many women don’t know what they want. They are intuitive. They feel things. They just like or love a man then find reasons to back it up after the fact. Even if he is a jerk quite a few women will still find reasons to overlook the jerk behavior. 

No woman says she wants a guy that mistreats her, ignores her, hits her, and acts like an ass. No, women say they want a nice guy, with a good job, who treats them right, yet the same women will date a loser, a drunk, or man that hits her, or a man that cheats on her. Get it? Women go by attraction and feeling not logic. So do men by the way.

Your male friends probably don’t know much either. As I stated before, either they were lucky or just have a fantastic or patient women. They probably have no clue what they did right or wrong. Even if they are good with women, they probably do not know why.

What they think are the real reasons that they are successful, may not actually be the real reasons at all. Yet as men, they have to give some sort of macho advice that they think worked for them. 

Another problem is that your friend’s girl or wife is not the same as yours. Secondly, for all you or anyone else knows, it may not be long until he is in the same boat as you are.

Taking Stock of the Landscape - Part 1

 Taking Stock of the Landscape - Part 2

Taking Stock of the Landscape - Part 2

Symptoms from Breakups

The first type of symptom is relief. That may sound a bit strange, but you may have experienced this for a short time already if you broke up with her first. If the breakup was mutual, you may have felt “free” or “relieved” for a just a very short time.

It may sound crazy to you right now but the reason I bring this symptom up is because she may be the one experiencing it. Sometimes women will think about breaking up for weeks before it happens. Sometimes it has been going on for months but we men often miss the signs.

If there was a lot of fighting or arguing it is only natural for her to feel some relief.  If you were overly jealous or possessive, or if you monopolized too much of her time, this too could be the case. Still, the relief may not necessarily last for very long if you do things right.
Don’t get hung up on it. Just be aware of it. It goes both ways because even if she feels relief from time to time, the flip side is that she will sometimes miss you or occasionally wonder whether she did the right thing.

The second group of symptoms is what I call common symptoms. Everyone has at least some of these. In some cases, these symptoms could become an extreme compulsion depending on the degree to which you have them. These more common symptoms are perfectly natural and do not harm the relationship if you handle them correctly. Yet they still harm you if not held in check.
The third types of symptoms are symptoms that hurt you more than the previous symptoms and destroy the possibility of a future relationship with your ex. You can even lump anger, vengeance, and fear, into this group.

These symptoms can range from slightly toxic to very toxic depending on the intensity, frequency, and degree to which you exhibit them. Some of these symptoms only hurt you. Others turn her off and push her away. In her mind, they confirm she made the right choice in breaking up with you. Symptoms that harm you or push her away are toxic symptoms.

Common Symptoms

You have probably experienced several if not most of the common symptoms. Ask yourself these questions. Have you experienced a loss of appetite? Under eating and overeating are both bad things to do. If you are drinking more that is another bad symptom.

Do you find yourself somewhat depressed most of the time? Do you find yourself thinking about her almost constantly, much of the whole time you are awake?

Are you experiencing a lack of motivation or loss of interest in your old hobbies and activities? Are you having difficulties at work such as working slower or not being as attentive?
Do you have extreme anxiety after sending her a text wondering if she will ever reply or wonder why it is taking her so long to reply?

Are you confused, still not understanding what has happened? Are you still in disbelief from her breaking up with you?

It is perfectly okay for these feelings to happen. They are perfectly natural and part of the process. However, a few of them left unchecked could become debilitating and threaten your job or health.

In extreme cases, counseling or professional help could be needed. Although this book will help you to deal with these things it is not a substitute for professional help. If you are losing too much control seek help. Assuming you don’t need help, I will continue.

Have you been asking everyone for advice? Have you been asking both men and women? This is natural but here is the big problem. Most guys don’t really know how to handle women.

The truth is they just got lucky. But since a man seems successful, he will talk as if he knows. All people do this. The problem is his advice could backfire and lessen your chances of success.

As for any women you seek advice from, she may tell you what she wishes a husband would do, or give you some other romantic idea that appeals to her. It may sound like good romantic or even logical advice. But if you follow her advice, you may be shocked to find it does not work either.

What a woman wants in the attraction stage is a bit different from what she wants in the advanced dating process. What she is wanting during the dating stage is not exactly what she wants during a marriage. If you get too far ahead of her, she is gone. Confusion, fear, or misunderstandings will ruin your all your chances.

This does not mean you might not get lucky and have a smart friend who really does know. If you do have such a friend, most of this book will sound very familiar you, but it will still help you. You will be more certain of what you were told. You will be more confident and be able to stick to the process better.

Do you re-play in your mind want went wrong repeatedly? Do you relive the relationship thinking you should have done this or said that? Do you plan what you will say next time you see her? Do you imagine what it will be like?

Although these things are not very helpful, they are still quite normal. You are not crazy. You are not the only one. This happens to a MAJORITY of men, not matter how “bad-ass” they may want to sound or act. I myself once told my friends that, “I let her down easy.” The truth was that she is the one who dumped me.

Are you thinking time will heal? Time may or may not help the issue. It will help you accept things, but not necessarily make you very much better. The depression can still linger. A man can still be depressed and have his confidence shaken well over a year after the woman has long forgotten him. Even up to two years is not so much of an extreme case. She has moved on and he is still in pain. You are going to have to do a little bit of work to prevent that from happening to you. This book can help.

The trick is to lessen these symptoms as much as possible so you can feel good again. Feeling good again will dramatically increase your chances for success with her and in all areas of your life. But you cannot fake it. It must be real. Otherwise she will read it and you will feel it.

(Continued in Part 3)

Taking Stock of the Landscape - Part 1

Taking Stock of the Landscape - Part 3

Taking Stock of the Landscape - Part 1

It doesn’t matter if you want to get back with your ex-girlfriend, get back with your wife, or start a new relationship. The same applies if a break up is approaching or you are feeling her starting to slip away. In either of these situations, appearing desperate, insecure, scared, or needy will cripple you. It will keep you on the sidelines until the game is long over. She will find a stronger or more confident man and you will still be hurting long after she’s already forgotten about you.

This material will help you to overcome all those negative appearances. It will help you appear strong, unlike a doormat kind of guy who is groveling just to gain even the tiniest bit of her attention. Most importantly you will feel better about yourself. Your hurt or depression will end sooner. You will even be able to help your buddies in their time of need.

Your Biggest Enemies

If you start imagining or wondering what she is doing, wondering where she is, wondering whom she is with, if she ever thinks of you, or if she is dating someone else, those thoughts will simply drive you crazy. It is torture. Worse yet, asking her those questions will almost certainly annoy her. It will either turn her off or push her away further.
If she has gone on a date or just started dating someone regularly, you may start wondering, just who the heck is this guy? Why him? Is he more romantic than I am? Is he a better lover? Is he richer than I am? When did she meet him?

Thinking on those things can only help make you more depressed, more desperate, and will further the cycle. As a result, everything you do, say, write, or text will end up hurting you even more, pushing her further away, and keeping you on the sidelines longer.
As the time passes you will just feel worse and worse. The worse you feel the more anything you do or say will further work against you making your relationship situation even worse.
At this point you will begin to lose more control of your emotions. Depression and fear will kick in. Fear of never having her back will feed your desperation. Fear and desperation are your biggest enemies.

Fear and desperation will cause you to unknowingly sabotage your chances of ever getting back together. They will keep you hurting and in pain longer. They may even bring out anger out of you. Anger has no place here and can only make things worse. You will only appear even more unstable to her as she sees your moods and actions fluctuate between extremes.

Taking Stock of the Landscape - Part 2