Toxic Symptoms
Now that we have covered the more manageable symptoms, we a
have a few toxic behaviors to nip in the bud quickly. The lesser ones make you
feel worse and prolong your agony. The greater ones harm you and help to
destroy the possibility of a future relationship.
I will start with the dangerous ones first. Are you are
extremely depressed, abusing any type of substance, or having violent or
suicidal thoughts? Are you physically sick from not eating enough? If so get
help now. This is extremely serious. Not only are you in danger, but also you
will never have her back till those things pass. Do not take this warning
lightly. It is not BS.
The following symptoms are not so dangerous but are still
toxic. These symptoms intensify the cycles and mood swings. They either lead to
actions that could kill any chance of you ever getting back together, or are
actions that work against you.
Have you done or are you doing any of the followings? Be
honest. Do you check emails constantly hoping she has written? Have you sent
her flowers since the break up? Have you bought her a somewhat expensive gift
on a holiday or birthday since the breakup with little or no response? Do you
hope every phone ring is your ex?
Are you having deep and very wide emotional swings? Do you
stare at her FB pictures and read everything she posts? Do you still follow her
tweets on Twitter? Do you still have her picture out in plain view and find
yourself staring at it?
Do you have her on a pedestal and fear that it’s over
forever and you may never be happy without her? And once again, do you imagine
her having sex with other men? Do you imagine her enjoying it more than she did
with you? If so this is your imagination working against you.
Has your boss talked to you about your job performance
slipping? This is a big one. It is best to get help if the breakup is affecting
your job.
The following symptoms are toxic because these symptoms
usually backfire and help create the opposite of what you are intending. They
usually serve to further push her away.
Do you grovel after her? Have you tried using guilt to get
her to go out with you or answer your phone calls or texts? Have you tried
using manipulation, tricks, or games? Have you begged or asked for one more
chance? Have you tried to tell her that you changed or will change?
Did you spill out all your guts telling her how much you
love her and how much she means hoping she would change her mind like in a
Hollywood movie? If so, you may have noticed that does not work in real life.
Have you tried using logic and reason? Did you try to make
any bargains?
Do you still try to call or text her often or almost every
day? Do you send her texts that are not even answered at all? Are the ignored
texts increasing in number and frequency?
Do you ever drive by her place or do anything that could be
interpreted as stalking by an angry woman? Do you coincidentally or
mysteriously sometimes show up at same places she does?
Do you send angry texts or leave angry voice messages? Do
you send her cards?
Do you pretend to be her friend when it only hurts you? If
you are her friend, do you act like her waiter or butler, or spoil her with
favors hoping she will see how wonderful you are and someday want you back?
What Are You Gaining From All This?
These may be perfectly natural responses but you need to ask yourself - How have these things helped? I would guess probably not much or not at all, otherwise you would already be back together.
Next question - are doing any these things helping you feel
better or giving you a greater peace of mind? No. They are probably making
things worse and are making you a wreck. They may even be starting fights or
arguments. Maybe she just isn’t responding. In all likelihood, if she is
ignoring you, you are annoying her.
Now carefully consider this. How do you think doing these
things make you look in her eyes?
Here is the answer. You will either be seen as weak, clingy,
needy, a jerk, or unstable. All those things sabotage your chances of getting
back with her.
You may still be trying to be “friends” with your ex. The
biggest problem with that ploy is that it often backfires. Those risks involved
will be discussed in a later chapter.
Still another weak tactic is campaigning to get her back. If
you have been spilling out your guts to her friends and family and asking all
sorts of questions about her, this will not help either.
Even if everyone agrees you belong together and want the two
of you back, this is a very bad way to go. It can only make matters worse. Do
not ask people to intercede by talking to her and do not keep tabs on her. She
will find out if you keep tabs on her.
It Needs To Stop
By now you probably have probably noticed that all the above
behaviors feed each other in a vicious downward spiral.
Here is an example. You text her and get no reply. You get
more depressed. She has already done this so many times before that now it
really hurts. Suddenly you are angry and send something a bit nasty or biting.
Even if she does reply to that, she is less likely to want
to respond next time you text. When she finally answers you have a brief chat.
Your hopes skyrocket.
Next the whole cycle starts over and she is ignoring you
just like before. Some men (some women also) go into a frenzy of texts, emails,
and phone calls for weeks, even months, hoping to get their lover back.
All it really does is convince her that she did the right
thing and it makes you more depressed.
The reason for this is that even if she was unsure at the
beginning, she will use your current behavior as proof she was right. You need
to understand that people like reassurance and confirmation. She has already
made her decision. Now all she needs is to get some reassurance or confirmation
so she can feel better about it.
Your constant texting and calling shows her that you are
weak, unstable, and clingy. Not only is that annoying her, but it may also be
making her angry. Those negative feelings and anger give her confirmation. She
may eventually start laughing at you to her friends.
She may even show her friends the texts you are sending her.
They will most likely shake their heads and agree. They will assure her that
she did the right thing dumping you. This confirms her decision even more. She
becomes even less responsive. You get more depressed. You eat less. You can’t
sleep. Less sleep makes you feel even worse. You start to have trouble at work.
You get scared and or depressed even more.
You text again, but now she is even more distant. Maybe you
slip and send her an angry text like “thanks for the answer” or "just
forget it!” A day later you call or text her that you miss her. You apologize.
Maybe you try to ask her out to talk. Of course she is busy.
She says no. Now you feel even worse. Get the picture? Your behavior is
contradictory, unstable, and almost childlike.
If this is not you, that is very good for you. But if it is
you, don’t feel bad. Don’t be hard on yourself if you have been displaying any
of these symptoms. It was not your fault. Several things come into play here.
No one has ever taught us what to do and what not to do in
such a situation. Schools and churches don’t teach it. Many books are wrong.
Love songs and movies teach us all the wrong things to do. Stereotypes and myths
make things even worse.
Even your female friends might give you bad advice. They
will tell you things like keep on trying, tell her how you feel, fight for her,
or even send her flowers.
They will often tell you things that a married woman wants,
not what a dating woman wants. It may be what she thinks she wants, until she
is in the same situation herself.
In fact many women don’t know what they want. They are
intuitive. They feel things. They just like or love a man then find reasons to
back it up after the fact. Even if he is a jerk quite a few women will still
find reasons to overlook the jerk behavior.
No woman says she wants a guy that mistreats her, ignores
her, hits her, and acts like an ass. No, women say they want a nice guy, with a
good job, who treats them right, yet the same women will date a loser, a drunk,
or man that hits her, or a man that cheats on her. Get it? Women go by attraction
and feeling not logic. So do men by the way.
Your male friends probably don’t know much either. As I
stated before, either they were lucky or just have a fantastic or patient
women. They probably have no clue what they did right or wrong. Even if they
are good with women, they probably do not know why.
What they think are the real reasons that they are
successful, may not actually be the real reasons at all. Yet as men, they have
to give some sort of macho advice that they think worked for them.
Another problem is that your friend’s girl or wife is not
the same as yours. Secondly, for all you or anyone else knows, it may not be
long until he is in the same boat as you are.
